Sweet Little Surprise

*This post contains sensitive information about loss. Just a head's up.

Dear little poppy seed,

As I drove to the store the morning of July 4th, I knew you were there. I didn't need a test to tell me. Sometimes, a mama just knows. I'd felt so sick at the Georgia Aquarium the day before, and I just knew. Your daddy, however, was not going to just take my word for it. So as I picked up strawberries and blueberries to make an Independence Day treat with your brother, I also grabbed a pregnancy test.

When I got home, I told your daddy I was going to take a shower. It wasn't a lie- I did take a shower. But I also took that test and was shocked, but not surprised, when that second line slowly made its appearance. I called Daddy to the bathroom and the look on his face as I handed him the test will be etched into my mind forever. "I'm pregnant, baby!" was all I could say. We were over. the. moon.

You see, you were our sweet little surprise. It took a lot of time, patience, and prayer before your brother grew in my tummy. When we found out about you, we hadn't even been planning on growing our family yet! Make no mistake though- I wanted you. We wanted you. We told Dax, your brother, that you were growing in my belly and his first response was to ask if he could hold you! My heart grew so many sizes in just a few days as I imagined what it would be like chasing two little Atkins kids around the house. We were overjoyed and began to celebrate you with your grandparents and aunts and uncles.

However, the dreams I had begun to dream were not meant to be. Days after I found out you were growing, our journey together ended. My heart has never known such sorrow. All I could say while I tried to pray through my tears was that I wanted you. Oh, little one, how your mama and daddy wanted you. I wanted to see your sweet face, give you a name, and introduce you to your big brother. I wanted to feel the aches and pains of pregnancy and labor and be able to nurse you in the middle of the night when it felt like only the two of us were awake in the whole wide world. But- God had other plans. I don't understand His plans yet, but I trust them. 

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I made a small box for you; well, probably more for me. It holds a few special pictures and treasures that I will cherish always. We will never forget you, sweet one. You were our little poppy seed. That's how big you got; so teeny, tiny, and precious. Your life, though short, was significant. It brought your father and I closer to each other and closer to God. 

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I'm not sure what the future holds, but I know that I will always hold you in my heart until I hold you in Heaven. 

As your brother says, I love you ever ever.

Mama

Summer Bucket List!

For this teacher mama, there is no sweeter time of year than when I can put my lanyard and lunch box away for several weeks and soak up the sunshine of summer time with my boys! Spring was ridiculously busy for us, so our goals for summer mostly include lots of quality time being lazy around the house and enjoying time outside. However, we do have a few adventures planned and I wanted to share our 2016 Summer Bucket List!

*You can get your own blank copy of this Summer Bucket List here!

Two Fingers!

Daxon,
Goodness gracious, you are already two years old! How can that even be? The past year has been a whirlwind. There has been a lot of loss in our family, and I'm thankful you are too young to remember the pain and grief. Your daddy and I look forward to telling you lots of stories about Memaw, Grandaddy Bill, and Uncle Ricky. They were wonderful people and we miss them a lot. Losing them has been hard; but son- your contagious smile and love of laughter has kept us all feeling warmth and sunshine!

One of my favorite things about you right now is how quickly you learn. You are forever studying the world around you trying to figure everything out. When you think you've got it, you light up and tell us all about your discovery; whether we understand you or not. You will take things a part and put them back together over and over and over just to make sure you know how it works.

You also love people. Everywhere we go, people stop to admire your head full of wild curls and try to sneak a smile out of you. You will raise one hand up in an acknowledging wave to other kids, and as we enter and exit places it's not uncommon to hear you say "Hi, people!" or "Bye, people!". Two separate strangers now have given you a dollar just for being a bright spot in their day. I wish I were that cute!

Learning to obey and respect what Mama and Daddy say is a challenge for you right now, because you are just so darn curious! Time out has become routine in our house as well as a few spankings for a bossy attitude and brave (read: give-your-mama-a-heart-attack-unsafe) choices I had no idea could exist in someone so little. We love you unconditionally regardless, but just know we are doing the best we can to teach you how to express your feelings in a way that is healthy and safe.

Your love for Paw Patrol almost beats my love for coffee. It is an all consuming passion. For your birthday, we gave you your first set of action figures- all the Paw Patrol pups, of course. It has been so fun to watch you play with them and imitate the fun rescues we watch over and over (and. over.) on television in the early morning hours when you are convinced it's time to be awake.

Speaking of early mornings, let's talk about your early rising tendencies. Neither your father nor I are morning people- we detest mornings. Please learn to love sleeping in, and we may learn to love you in the morning a little more. Just kidding- we always love you, we just don't like you very much at 6am on Saturday and Sunday.

Watching you soak in the outdoors and experience nature is another one of my favorite parts of life with you. Hearing you shout "Shoo, bee!" is one of the cutest things ever and it makes me so happy to swing you between the two big trees in our back yard. Playing outside is how I grew up and I hope you will continue to love it as well. You won't really have a choice. I'll do like your Nana did to me and Aunt Ashy and I'll lock you outside until you learn to love it!

Dax, as you continue to grow big and strong always remember that Mama and Daddy are so proud of you and love you always, and Jesus loves you even more than we do. You can always run to the Father to seek unconditional love, clarity, and peace. 2 years down, my boy. I can't wait to see what adventures and blessings are in store your third year of life!

Love forever,
Mama

Easter + Spring Break!

Spring break fell pretty early this year, and Easter happened to coincide with the break. So we got to enjoy lots of candy, reflect on the grace and love of Jesus, and spend quality time with our peeps. <seewhatididthere> As much as I tried to savor the days, they were gone all too quickly and I'm now back to the grind. The good news is summer break is just around the corner!!! We crammed a lot into those 7 short days- dying Easter eggs, being sneaky and helping my bestie get engaged, having fun at church on Easter, playing with friends at the park, playing outside, and just enjoying Mama/Dax time together.

The physical, spiritual, and emotional struggle to become pregnant and have a normal, healthy pregnancy is something I still have not forgotten; I doubt I ever will. However, my sweet boy has exploded with personality and an iron will. He tests me at every turn and I had a day or two over the break where I pouted and just wanted a break. I cherish that wild little boy, but that does not change the fact that parenting and training a child up in the way he should go is hard. Props to all the mamas and daddies out there fighting to raise children into strong, resilient, kind, loving, successful adults. Like my friend told me- the struggle is real. By Thursday Dax and I both were pretty tired of each other, so we were equally thrilled when Grami and Papaw snatched him up Friday night and let Josh and I have a date night. My early bird had me up before 7 every day of my break, so being able to sleep in until 8 am (insert laughing emoji here) Saturday was refreshing!

The next few weeks don't see us slowing down much as we celebrate friends and family getting married, more friends having babies, and Dax-man's SECOND BIRTHDAY. Holy cow. We're getting pumped about his Paw Patrol party and I'll be sharing all the details and pictures afterward. Any other parents have kids obsessed with those pups?! Chase is Dax's favorite. I have to sing the theme song in the car. My life pretty much revolves around yelping for help.

A peek at our Easter & Spring Break:

hardboiled eggs: not a fan

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lesson of the day- don't lie to Mommy.

2 favorites: Daddy's hat & "brush teeth"

Pay-toe-toe, his best bud

Until next time,
-A

A Different Kind of Christmas

*I swear, this post was written in January. I'm just now getting around to throwing the photos in there and hitting Publish*

This year was Dax's first "walking" Christmas. Last year was so much fun watching him enjoy the lights, sounds, and smells of his first gift wrapped holiday. This year- oh, this year- he got to participate in the excitement of placing special ornaments on the tree (and taking them off and putting them back on... a few different times), singing nostalgic songs that make it truly feel like Christmas, baking cookies and arranging them on a special plate with a glass of cold milk, and ripping up carefully taped paper to reveal new treasures. This year Dax really 'got' Christmas. As fun as it was to get to experience all of these traditions with our boy, it was a different kind of Christmas for our families as we continue to deal with the grief of losing grandparents. Happy moments filled with joy held the weight of what it could have been; should have been. A few sad tears fell. The sadness did not last long, and we spent more time recounting happy memories and making plenty of new ones. Below are some of our favorite moments over the holiday season:

As a new year stretches before us, let's be kinder. Let's love intentionally. Let's be generous with our time and resources. Let's live our one wild and precious life.

-A