Wednesday, July 27, 2016

Sweet Little Surprise

*This post contains sensitive information about loss. Just a head's up.

Dear little poppy seed,

As I drove to the store the morning of July 4th, I knew you were there. I didn't need a test to tell me. Sometimes, a mama just knows. I'd felt so sick at the Georgia Aquarium the day before, and I just knew. Your daddy, however, was not going to just take my word for it. So as I picked up strawberries and blueberries to make an Independence Day treat with your brother, I also grabbed a pregnancy test.

When I got home, I told your daddy I was going to take a shower. It wasn't a lie- I did take a shower. But I also took that test and was shocked, but not surprised, when that second line slowly made its appearance. I called Daddy to the bathroom and the look on his face as I handed him the test will be etched into my mind forever. "I'm pregnant, baby!" was all I could say. We were over. the. moon.

You see, you were our sweet little surprise. It took a lot of time, patience, and prayer before your brother grew in my tummy. When we found out about you, we hadn't even been planning on growing our family yet! Make no mistake though- I wanted you. We wanted you. We told Dax, your brother, that you were growing in my belly and his first response was to ask if he could hold you! My heart grew so many sizes in just a few days as I imagined what it would be like chasing two little Atkins kids around the house. We were overjoyed and began to celebrate you with your grandparents and aunts and uncles.

However, the dreams I had begun to dream were not meant to be. Days after I found out you were growing, our journey together ended. My heart has never known such sorrow. All I could say while I tried to pray through my tears was that I wanted you. Oh, little one, how your mama and daddy wanted you. I wanted to see your sweet face, give you a name, and introduce you to your big brother. I wanted to feel the aches and pains of pregnancy and labor and be able to nurse you in the middle of the night when it felt like only the two of us were awake in the whole wide world. But- God had other plans. I don't understand His plans yet, but I trust them. 
I made a small box for you; well, probably more for me. It holds a few special pictures and treasures that I will cherish always. We will never forget you, sweet one. You were our little poppy seed. That's how big you got; so teeny, tiny, and precious. Your life, though short, was significant. It brought your father and I closer to each other and closer to God. 

I'm not sure what the future holds, but I know that I will always hold you in my heart until I hold you in Heaven. 

As your brother says, I love you ever ever.