You made yourself known to us on February 20th. I was off from school, and before getting up for the day and chasing your brother around I had been feeling very sick, so I took a test. Lo and behold, two pink lines. I was so excited! I was so very hopeful that you were my rainbow baby. It felt different this time; I couldn't wait to tell your Daddy.
I laid the test on the kitchen counter. It was a beautiful day and we decided to use our fire pit to roast hot dogs and marshmallows. Daddy got home from work and went inside. He came back out with a smile. It was a blissfully perfect day.
The next two weeks were so encouraging. I had so many symptoms and felt so very sick it was hard to keep the news to myself. You definitely had your own agenda. We waited about a week to tell your grandparents this time, and it was so much fun keeping you our sweet, special secret.
Unfortunately, you also were not meant to stay. With bitter tears in my eyes that Friday afternoon, I experienced the grief of loss again. On this side of Heaven, I will never understand. You and your sibling will forever be in my heart. You both are my favorite what if? and I will forever wonder who you would have been.
A mother walking through an early pregnancy loss is nothing short of Herculean because it is something she and only she will ever feel. She and only she experienced the reality of the life inside her; she and only she must contend with the harsh reality of the loss.
My sweet little one, thank you for being a ray of sunshine, if even for a few weeks. Thank you for helping me grow closer to the Lord as I lean into His Word and find my identity in my Savior instead of trying to be a savior.
All my love,
Mama
