A Baby Story

I'm blowing off the dust from my poor neglected blog to share what I have been soaking in and savoring for the last little while. The story of my son's arrival. *disclaimer- it's long.*

My little's name is not very traditional; it's not something you'll find in baby name books and if you do there is no "meaning" behind it. In truth I had a student my first year teaching with that name. He was an awesome kid (and I'm sure still is) and I loved his name. It always stuck with me and was an immediate favorite for a boy name when Josh and I found out we were pregnant.

So, I have decided to assign his name a meaning based on the lesson God chose to teach me through praying and waiting for, carrying, and delivering this bundle of joy. Forevermore the name Daxon to me will mean "patience".

After 2 years of waiting, praying, believing, and working with my doctor, God blessed us with our miracle. Then we waited to find out he was a boy. We waited anxiously to feel and see him move. We waited to find out whether or not I was diabetic. We waited to find out whether or not he was too big. We waited for labor. And most of all- we waited for April; for springtime and the Easter bunny and the greatest gift we have ever been given.

Sweet little profile.

I loved being pregnant. LOVED. IT. I had a very smooth pregnancy that was boring and predictable, for the most part. Second trimester was spent dealing with headaches/migraines and getting a horrible virus that just about ruined Christmas for me. Third trimester started and the headaches disappeared and left a sweet spot for me in pregnancy.  As my belly grew and my baby boy wiggled and we prepared I fell more and more in love with the new chapter in our lives we were about to embark on!

The last time I remember feeling good. About 38 weeks.

Two weeks before my due date my blood pressure began to play games. I was swollen, but what pregnant woman isn't at 38 weeks? I was still working, but each day felt like a marathon. The stress caused my blood pressure to rise at work to uncomfortable levels, but once I got home or to the doctor it came back down. After a week or two of that my doctor recommended I stop work. I was instructed to rest and keep my feet up. And I did. You would think those two weeks would have been a dream- enjoying time to myself and preparing to meet my baby; watching tv and taking naps. It was awful. I was experiencing something called "prodromal labor"- it basically means false labor that has no certain starting or stopping point. I was having consistent, painful contractions on and off; so much so that we did end up at the hospital once but there was no significant progression that would allow active labor to start. For 14 days I fought through night after night of contractions, back pain, and only 2-3 hours of sleep. I couldn't sleep lying down so I was confined to the recliner in the nursery. I became an irritated, swollen, miserable, pregnant mess. I wanted my baby to come on his own, but I also had a hunch that wasn't going to happen unless my water broke. With every contraction I could feel him move down, but as soon as it was over he would move back up. Someone was enjoying his bouncy waterbed.

left- juuuust waiting right- the bump picture that ended up being my last day of work

At my 40 week appointment my doctor told me to hang in there. He felt sure labor was just a couple days away. Until I went to my 41 week appointment. I was still a few days shy of 41 weeks, but my swelling had begun to get worse and was now "pitted" (meaning if you push down on it there would be a dent left behind- it was weird), and my blood pressure was continuing to shoot up and come back down to normal. At that appointment my doctor, Joshua, and I felt although baby was content- my body was done and to keep any serious complications from arising I was sent to the hospital that evening to begin preparing to be induced.

left- our last family photo as two! hello puffy everything. right- on our way to the hospital

We got settled in a high risk room for the night and it took SEVEN different sticks into my arms and hands to get an IV placed. Yuck.

the view was beautiful!

 left- got in a fight with a porcupine. and lost. right- here we go! nervous and excited parents to be.

We tried to get some sleep because we were supposed to be transferred to labor and delivery and pitocin was supposed to be started by 6am. Hence the use of the word "supposed". Turns out the full blood moon was quite effective and every single l&d room was booked. Until 12pm. Once we got moved and settled into the new room they checked me- I was 3cm and 50% effaced so they got the pitocin started but did not break my water. Doctor didn't want to do that yet and I agreed, but silently I knew that my waterbed loving baby wasn't going to get moving while he could still bounce around in there. They cranked the pitocin up and up and up. They chased Daxon around in my belly. In fact they came in and did a brief sonogram to make sure he was still head down since they were having so much trouble keeping track of his heartbeat. They cranked the pitocin more. No progress. Family came and went. I got frustrated and overwhelmed. We had all waited so long and the waiting seemed like it was never going to end! I felt like a pot of water on the stove. Everyone watching and waiting for me to boil. At 7 pm it had been well over 24 hours since I had eaten or drank anything, so they decided to take me off the monitors and pitocin and give me the evening to eat and drink and rest. I was so incredibly grateful for that. I ate everything in sight (because I knew the next day I would be back to ice chips and popsicles) and drank as much water and coke as I could to stave off a caffeine headache (spoiler- didn't work). And we slept.

Early the next morning, it was game on. I was making sure my bladder was nice and empty and my doctor popped in pumped and ready to go and carried on a conversation with me while I finished my business. It was hilariously awkward but it made me laugh and I knew today would be a great day. They hooked me back up. He was still being really stubborn and hard to keep up with, so when my doctor came back to check me, he also broke my water and put an internal monitor on Dax so I could move around without worrying about losing his heartbeat with the belly monitor. That was a great thing because it was just as I suspected- as soon as my water broke labor hit. And it hit hard! I progressed from 2-3 cm to 5cm in about 30 minutes. Without his squishy waterbed baby boy decided to surrender and come on down. I labored without pain medicine for a couple hours. I hated laying down and did best standing and rocking back and forth. I gladly took the epidural around 6 cm. My family began to arrive and were thrilled to see things progressing- the atmosphere was excited and energetic- we knew today would be the day.

The last photo of him in my belly- reppin' my tiger stripes. :)

This man. He was amazing. Such an incredible support and coach. And the Popsicle. Loved the Popsicles.

Labor with an epidural is incredibly easy- not going to lie. It's different for every woman, but for me I was thankful that I could still feel my belly contract. I knew when my contractions were because I wasn't too numb. It helped me still feel connected to my labor. Around 6pm the medicine began to wear off a bit and I requested a re-dose to get me through pushing because I was 8-9cm at that point and knew it would be soon. The lady that re-dosed me gave me waaay to much and to make a long story short- it stalled me at 9.5 cm for almost 2 hours. All I had was a "lip" (sorry if that's tmi) left and it took forever to go away. During this time even with the epidural I was feeling extreme pressure and began wanting to push. I couldn't yet and it got really intense having to work through each contraction moment by moment so that I would not get overwhelmed or afraid. Finally around 8pm the doctor checked me one last time and said it was time to go!!!

My nurse coached me on how to push and told me not to get down if it takes 2-3 hours to push since I'm a first time mom. I don't remember whether or not I told her, but in my head I knew it wasn't going to take that long. I was ready to meet my boy. The nurse counted the first few pushes. Josh, my mom, and mother in law took turns holding my legs, and my youngest sister dropped ice in my mouth when I requested it. I'll never forget us laughing in the midst of it all because she put hand sanitizer on her hands at one point and it made the ice taste awful! I made her wash her hands. I kept my eyes closed and focused solely on my body and the contractions, because at this point I could feel everything going on as my baby... umm... descended. They didn't tell me when to push. I told them, and at some point Josh took over counting down during my pushes and he was amazing! People could hear him up and down the hallway, and we laugh about that now but at the time I needed that. I focused on his voice and the doctor's voice. I yelled at the doctor "I do NOT understand why people do this more than once!!!!" after an intense contraction. Everyone laughed. The doctor belly laughed. "You will see why in just a few minutes," was his reply. I could hear things being set up and more people coming in and getting ready and knew I had to be getting close. Another push... and another... and another... and before I knew it I heard the most beautiful sound ever. I heard my son come into this world screaming. 50 minutes after I began pushing. Just call me Wonder Woman. They plopped him on my belly. Everyone was yelling and crying and talking about how beautiful he was and Josh was proclaiming over and over that Dax had his ears, but I couldn't see him! After what seemed like an eternity Josh cut the cord, they wiped him up, put a hat on him, and the doctor held him up and placed him on my chest. I wish I had something sappy to say about that, but my first reaction to seeing him was to say "THAT came out of me?!?!". He was huge. So much bigger than I expected a newborn baby to be.

After the initial shock I held him close, listened to him cry, and whispered "Happy Birthday" and "I love you" over and over as tears of joy ran down my cheeks. "I've waited so long to meet you!" I told him. I was finally a mama. His mama. Josh changed his first diaper while I continued to be cleaned and stitched. Then we had a blissful hour of time as just the three of us. We soaked it in. We were finally a family.

The nurses were wonderful and worked hard to make my birthing experience a proud one! They were very respectful of my wishes and so supportive. My doctors were phenomenal and my doctor (who got me through half my labor but did not get to deliver him) called us the next day just to say congratulations and check on me. I'm so thankful for that and felt so taken care of during our hospital stay.

Our world has been changed, but in the best way possible. Being parents is not easy, but all it takes is one little look into his sweet face and I would move Heaven and Earth for him. I was very scared of becoming a mom; scared I wouldn't know what to do. Admittedly sometimes I don't know what to do, but I always know what he needs and we are doing the best we can for him as his parents. I cannot wait to share more of these moments. I already feel like he is growing too fast, but I am so excited for each milestone and how the way we have fun as a family will change and evolve. 

Daxon, Welcome to this world. We have waited a long time just for you! You are my light and my song. Your daddy is crazy about you and you look so much like him. I pray we are able to raise you to be half the man he is. We can't wait to share life with you and teach you about Jesus and train you to be a loving, compassionate, respectful man. Thank you for being our miracle and making us parents.                                                                                               All our love, Mama & Daddy

The Fun Part of Pregnancy!

Juggling pregnancy, a challenging group of students, and trying to enjoy some semblance of a life on the weekends (in between migraines... boo migraines) has left this poor blog ignored and neglected. At least when I look back on this period of time I'll have Instagram and my pregnancy journal to reflect on.

And don't let this statement come across as ungrateful because I will suffer with a migraine every day if it leads to delivering a healthy baby- but pregnancy is hard. There are times when I wish I could just hug my mama tight and thank her over and over because she went through this with two babies on board. Holy moly. I am so thankful and overjoyed and blessed and humbled and tickled to death to be carrying a baby that Josh and I created who God is knitting together in my belly as we speak.

All of those same adjectives also describe our excitement over finding out this little squishy one is a boy. :)

 I think this image sums it up pretty well:

Despite the less-than-glamorous side of pregnancy, I'm so very thrilled to get to the fun part of pregnancy (in my opinion at least): PLANNING A NURSERY!!!!!

Anyone who follows me on Pinterest knows I have had a board with nursery ideas for a while in anticipation of starting a family; not really caring how God planned to bring that about, just knowing that He would. :) Now that our goose is slightly over halfway cooked in there, we are fully aware the holidays are going to have the rest of this pregnancy flying by! As such the Atkins household is in full nesting mode preparing for our sweet boy to join our family.

I thought I would take some time to put a little mood board of sorts together so you guys can see my inspiration and ideas and maybe even offer some of your own! I got a sample of paint this weekend at our local Ace Hardware and was lucky enough to hit the nail on the head- I was looking for a gray that was muddy and had brown/beige undertones rather than blue:

Paint color: Tabby Cat Gray from Valspar.
Curtains: Ikea
Rug: Rugs-Direct
Crib & Dresser: Babyletto Hudson in Brown- Target.com
Velvet Baby Doe Blanket: Berkshire Blanket (previously Babies R Us)
Recliner: Best Chairs TRYP
Throw Pillow: Target.com
Mushroom Nightlight: Amazon.com
Tree Bookshelf: Pinterest (original source unknown)
Twig Initial Inspiration: Hello Little House
Wooden Arrows Wall Art: Cherished Bliss
Deer Silhouette: All Thyme Favorite
Katie Daisy Prints: The Wheatfield Etsy Shop

Hopefully this inspiration will come together to create a fun room for our little guy to grow up in!

Update- See the actual nursery reveal here!

Until next time,
-A

chin up, buttercup

Stress. Worry. Anxiety. Fear.

Take your pick. Lately I have let myself become consumed with these things and they have sought to steal my joy. I have allowed them to be too successful.

Let's face it; with the state of things in our government and the rising tensions among us all as we try to understand what the future for our country holds and decide how to feel or which side of the fence to be on, aren't we all a little overcome with negativity? Boo.

If you don't keep up with me on Facebook, you may not be aware of the main reason for my silence on my blog:

Baby Atkins is on its way! Due April 2014!

I am finally in the 'safety net' that is the second trimester, and I felt the baby move for the first time this weekend. It's still too early to feel a real kick, but when it snuggles in to one side of its squishy waterbed I feel a little twitch. It happened for the first time yesterday after Josh got home from work and kissed me; really kissed me and let me know he missed me. I am an incredibly blessed lady.

The strongest desire of my heart is finally growing deep in my belly, making its presence known with sweet little twitches of movement and an ever expanding midsection. I love this little nugget with every ounce of my being, and the unspeakable gratitude I have for this gift has been stifled by overwhelming anxiety about commitments at work, being able to afford my life, being a good mother to my little roo, being a good wife, and being 'good enough' in general.

Today's sermon at church rocked my perspective and through a beautiful teaching about Communion I realized how much joy I allow to seep out of me as task piles upon task.

I have so much to be joyful about; so much to be crazy dang excited about!!!!

It's my favorite time of year, and even though little nugget tried to ruin the party with an aversion to anything pumpkin flavored (I still force a DnD White Chocolate Pumpkin Latte occasionally), I am hereby making the decision to choose the joy. The anxiety and fear and stress and worry may be waiting in the wings, but I choose joy and satisfaction and eager anticipation.

My twin sister Ashley is not very mushy gushy; at least she doesn't let on to it. She is very no nonsense and there have been many times during my oversensitive whining about misfortune she has just told me "Chin up, buttercup."

This song pulls my chin up and gets me excited for a cozy Autumn season with a pumpkin growing of my very own and an amazing husband who is such an incredible example of grace and unconditional love. Here's to pretty leaves, apple cider, nights by the fire, and lots of cuddling!

 
Chin up, everyone. Though the sorrow may last for the night, joy comes in the morning.

-A (and "baby a")

The Summah of Slacking

I have t-minus 5 days to enjoy my last bits of summer. At the beginning (which seems like just yesterday!!!) I had a very ambitious to do list. How much of that have I gotten done?

... not much.

This summer, though, has truly felt like summer to me. Lazy days, enjoying time catching up on TV and taking naps, going shopping, visiting family, and of course spending lots of quality time with my sweetie.

A little photo summary of my laid back summer leave:

I crafted a fun summer wreath!

We got to foster this darling. She was one of our favorites and hard to give back!

I snagged this diamond in the rough for $20 at a Salvation Army

After sanding, staining, and sealing, she's right at home in our living room.

I love minions and am clumsy. The movie was awesome.

This nugget and his red mohawk makes me so happy.

This purchase was unexpected, but we feel fortunate for the blessing of a family vehicle!

Tradition- Joel's Fourth of July Extravaganza did not disappoint. :)

Baby brother hung out for a few days. We always use him as an excuse to go to Frankie's. :)

Sibling love at the Drive game

Twinsies.

This man. I am truly the luckiest girl in the world.

He and our foster left on the same day. I was very sad. And bored.

There was the day we took down the cabinet to open up the kitchen some. And found a hole.  A large one.

Thank the Lord for these!

I had to go back and buy better spackle.

You'd never know now though. :)

Staycation Date Day- Bowling!

Warning- eyes smaller than they appear.

I'm horrible at it, but I love bowling.

Greasy pizza and Dr. Pepper. Perfect.

Happy birthday to me!

My birthday present from Josh!!

He had no idea I'd want it inside. We love it though!

Second cousin hugs and kisses

One word to describe this summer- wet. Flooded at a gas station.

My baby sister's pride and joy- Buttermilk

I loved meeting sweet Grayson and playing with Hannah!!

There's been lots of this.

Holy spa pedicure, Batman.

Love.the.hot.towels.

I work out.

This spoiled boy hasn't been feeling good. Extra snuggles help.

So, although I have yet to wield a paintbrush in the rooms I said I would- I still feel like I got to do a lot. And it was fun. And relaxing. So now I soak up the last few days of this bliss before the chaos of a brand new school year sets in.

source

Until next time,

-A

I Work Out

No, really. I do.

If you would have told me a year ago I would not only work out in a gym where there are men and women and lights that make it possible to see me whilst I bop around on a machine but that I would ENJOY it at the same time I would have probably given you a dirty look and then never talked to you again. Okay, I exaggerate. But seriously, I wouldn't have believed you.

Yet here I am.

A little bit lot of back story here- (feel free to skip this part if you're not into details)

{{There has never been a time in my life when I have not been chubby. In fact, that was my childhood nickname. My aunts, uncles, cousins, and even sometimes parents would all call me Chubby. It didn't bother me when it was just a cute pet name for a chunky little kid. When I got a little older and realized society did not deem it cute to be chubby, I became embarrassed by my moniker.

Fast forward through nutritionist appointments, diets, teasing by family, pressure, and depression and I managed to make it through high school with just a sliver of self confidence. I was told by doctors if I didn't diet and lose gobs of weight I would be 300 pounds by the time I graduated high school. They were wrong. Way wrong. I was active. Always have been. I played intermurals in college, went on hikes, took long walks with friends, walked Scooby two to three times a day as a puppy. I also loved eating and managed to maintain my figure that soon went from "she's chubby" to "she's curvy". My confidence began to grow as I began to find clothes that flattered my shape. I worked at a summer camp during the summers of my college career and I swam and rode horses and played ultimate frisbee and chased kiddos and friends. My curves became flattered by toned legs and arms. I felt really good about myself.

Then I began teaching. I didn't have time for summer camp; couldn't handle the work load. I didn't know anyone where I was teaching; I didn't have anywhere to go exercise. It was just me and Scooby, so I got used to eating crappy food that was within my budget; which included lots of take out because cooking for one wasn't always fun.

Soon after I met Josh- the first man to see me at my worst and best and still ooze with love in his eyes when he looks at me, a goofy grin breaking up the scruff on his face. The man God created and knew would be the most perfect partner for me as we do this life together. He has never once criticized me or tried to force me to work out. He has expressed concern for my health and well being, but has supported every decision I have ever made.

Now, I have been fighting a battle against a syndrome that has brought about a 40-50 pound weight gain. That number the doctors hung over my head is ever present and thankfully I have yet to face it. The decision to begin working out came about as a result of a few things. I was having difficulty walking after sitting for a while; I could feel how strained my legs and feet were and developed bone spurs in each of my heels. I never had enough energy for the day. No matter how much coffee I drank. Finally, the hardest and most heartbreaking: Infertility.

It is very hard to have "done everything right" (degree, husband, home; all in the "right" order) and then watch people around you giggle about getting pregnant "without trying" while you fight month after month for the two lines that promise a new chapter in your lives; a family.

Before you are tempted to unlock the secrets of making a baby for me, please trust that I have been given every piece of advice regarding reproduction; the most common being-
"Stop trying, that's when I got pregnant."
"It will happen when it should happen."
"Just trust God."
"Go on vacation, that's when it will happen!"
"Do x, y, z in the bedroom and you'll be pregnant in no time!"
"Maybe it's not meant for you."
"You can always adopt."

I understand and appreciate the compassion these words are meant to convey; but they hurt. When someone is longing to start a family with her husband, the best advice to give is none. It is best to just offer an ear and shoulder and let it be. And just as an aside... It can be really hurtful to poke fun at a couple about when they are going to have children; you have no idea the journey they are on and the comments that make infertility hurt the most are those demanding to know why we don't have children yet and why it's taking so long. It is a private matter between husband and wife and should never be made grounds for public conversation- especially over social media.

The best way to combat my syndrome is diet and exercise. And after over a year of an unsuccessful journey to start a family, I'd had enough.}}

Onward.

Josh and I joined our local YMCA at the end of June. Being a teacher where I live I get a great discount and we were stoked that we could afford a membership!

That Monday I began working out with an awesome friend. We greet with her and her husband at church and she is great! We meet 3 times a week and she helped teach me how to workout and is so good about pushing me to go a little bit further without being forceful or critical. I would not be where I am now without her. If you are like me (a little chubby around the edges) and you are nervous about working out, it was SO helpful to me to have an experienced friend be willing to lead the way and stand by my side.

I've been at this new lifestyle for a month now, and I have already noticed some changes:
-I have ankles again!
-My calves are becoming defined and muscular again
-My thighs have shrunk. A little. (with a LONG way to go!)
-The muscles in my arms are toning and becoming more defined
-My face is getting thinner (thank goodness!!)
-I can walk through a parking lot or around my neighborhood without being bothered or gasping for breath.
-I don't feel so fatigued
-I don't drink as much coffee
-Working out clears my head and relieves stress
-I sleep better at night
-My husband is seeing and enjoying me in a new light

It's awesome. So awesome. I'm doing this. I'm really doing it. So, for those of you out there who were like me a year ago that would read this stuff and say "Psh. That's great for her but won't work for me." I give you:

A Chubby Girl's Best Advice for Other Chubby Girls that {might} Want to Work Out-
-If you are intimidated, find someone that will support you and do this with you (my husband and friend Kacey are awesome!)
-Get. good. shoes. My sneakers are in bad shape and really hindering me right now. I'm hoping to be able to afford these soon.
-Get.a.good.bra. This is self explanatory. I snagged this one on Clearance at target and like it.
-Invest in some comfortable workout clothes that make you feel good. I love these pants. They are the cheapest I have found and smooth everything out while being very breathable and low friction. These tops are the best fitted and priced that I have found and are very flattering and comfortable for a woman with curves.
-Focus on cardio. If you are trying to slim down, weight lifting will not do it. That will just build muscles underneath your fat. Instead, I do 30-40 minutes (I started with 20 and have been working my way up) on an elliptical machine. It is very low impact and does not hurt my knees. I avoid treadmills because my knees can't take the impact. Then we will do arm workouts with light hand weights and lots of reps on one day, leg workouts on the leg machines with light weight and lots of reps another day. The goal is to get your heart rate up and keep it up for at least 30 minutes. This boosts your metabolism and endurance. Make sure you stretch before and after to prepare muscles and then work out lactic acid. A good stretch after keeps the soreness down and helps you cool down and get your heart rate back to normal.
-Build a playlist that pumps you up and gets you excited and motivates you! Then use it and feel encouraged by the fact that you are being a good steward of the body given to you!

I'm not a medical professional, but I have become very passionate about taking care of my body and being my best self. I want the life I live to be full of experiences and memories; not hours on the couch wishing I could go for a hike or that my ankles would quit hurting and back would quit aching. I want to be able to chase my children or get in the floor and play with them. Josh and I will have a family one day and I will be an active mom on the go able to keep up with her kiddos.

So this was just about a novel, but one of the most important posts I believe I have ever written. I thank God for the motivation every day to share love, press on, leave no regrets, and take care of my family.

             

Home

I normally post a lot more during the summer, but I have to be honest- I've been savoring every drop of this summer break (and keeping quite busy!). I'm normally a project-a-holic and have tackled a few things, but the theme of my summer thus far has been soaking up quality time with people I care about. And I would not change a thing about that! 

I find myself thinking I must be dreaming when I stop to think about all the blessings around me. I have a beautiful home that keeps me safe and welcomes friendly laughter over meals, tea, coffee, and even video games; I have a job that is hard- but the good kind of hard that makes you smile at the end of the day- and I am so very passionate about; I have in me the capability to nurse puppies back to health and return them to be adopted to forever homes; I have loving, funny, supportive family all around me cheering on the life Josh and I have established and are maintaining; I have a comfortable, dependable vehicle with features that make me feel sheepishly spoiled as an American; we have a variety of friends that keep our glasses filled and our eyes bright with laughter; and I have him. The man who knows how to push every button at once, yet when fear begins to crowd my thoughts wraps me up in two very strong, tender arms. He is home to me and I adore him. I can barely believe I get to keep him my whole life as my husband. I would rather live in a cardboard box fighting every day with him than be catered to in a mansion with anyone else.

This summer, I am enjoying home.

-A